Idiocy Disease
by chasingafterstarlight
Summary: In which everyone is struck with a bad case of idiocy disease but Jade and Beck. Except, well, Beck might just be a bit jealous of Moose and Jade, so that might not be entirely true. Post TG&AM. Jade/Beck. Text fic.


Idiocy Disease

Beck/Jade

cat: omg jade!

jade: what do you want.

cat: DONT BE RUDE :( i have something REALLY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU!

jade: seriously what.

cat: oh  
cat: um i think i FORGOT now :(((( sorry

jade: cat, if i tell you something, will you promise not to tell ANYBODY?

cat: yes i promise! cross my heart x3x

jade: okay. so let's just say that i really liked moose and don't get angry or i'll rip off your head BUT you know that night at karaoke dokie, when everyone else was there for robbie's peeathon, i kinda was in the car with moose because 'i drove him' and then i kind of kissed him and now i...

cat: JADE :( that's so mean! you knew me and tori liked him too!

jade: cat, c'mon. i seriously need advice

cat: why? because you still love beck? :)

jade: how did you know that?

cat: because you wouldn't be asking me for advice if you didn't. :) look jade i think you and beck really care about each other and i think that's what matters.

jade: and if i like moose?

cat: you only like moose cause he likes the cuttering.

jade: CAT. IT'S CALLED THE SCISSORING.

cat: well it's still about kitchen utensils :(

jade: whatever. i'm just gonna go...

cat: build a castle with beck? :))

jade: NO.

/

jade: this is moose?

moose: yep. i mean, not an actual moose with antlers. but i am moose!

jade: oh. um, hi, this is jade.

moose: i kinda figured lol  
moose: so um.

jade: you know what i hate?

moose: um... pink?

jade: well yes that. but also idiots who try to use the word 'ain't'. AIN'T isn't a word.

moose: don'tcha mean ain't ain't a word?

jade: no.

moose: haha :)

jade: don't send me smiley faces.

/

jade: vega, moose is like, the most annoying texter i've ever met.

tori: OMG dont be 2 mean jade. im sure his texts are lyk totes fabs :)

jade: on second thought, never mind.

/

moose: so, you, um, didn't talk to beck about any of this, right?

jade: no. we don't actually talk that much.

moose: oh. he, um, told me a lot about you. :)

jade: ...what did he say?

moose: he said you were... um, really good-looking. only don't tell him i told you that.

jade: since when do canadian phones work in america?

moose: what?

jade: never MIND.

/

jade: andre.

andre: hey jade. lemme guess, moose ditched you on the side of the road and you need someone to pick you up before a deer eats you. WELL IT'S NOT HAPPENING BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HELP THE PEEPEE CAUSE SO HA.

jade: i don't even know where to start with that text

andre: WHY DON'T YOU START WITH MOOSE'S BUTT  
andre: OR MAYBE A DEER OR AN ANTELOPE SINCE YOU LIKE THOSE ANTLERY MAMMALS SO MUCH

jade: ok it was a bad idea to text you

/

jade: so everyone's infected with the idiocy disease and apparently you're the lone survivor.

beck: meaning?

jade: vega can't type, cat wants me to build a castle and get married to... um someone, andre's ranting about mammals, moose texts like he's a moose, no one likes trina, and i refuse to text shapiro.

beck: since when do you have moose's number?

jade: i love how, out of all of that, you choose to focus on THAT.

beck: fine. who does cat want you to get married to?

jade: i guess i'll just add you to the list of insufferable people.

beck: lemme guess, moose? cause you guys were, I DUNNO, sucking face instead of showing up at your prior commitment?

jade: how the HECK do you know about that

beck: i have my SOURCES

jade: i didn't know you knew how to read

beck: i hate you

jade: you are literally the WORST

beck: you are literally worser

jade: worser isn't a word  
jade: serviously how do you know

beck: serviously isn't a word

jade: MY FINGERS ARE TREMBLING WITH RAGE

beck: moose told me because he felt guilty obviously unlike certain other people i know

jade: are you hinting at something

beck: of course not.

jade: you have no right to yell at me.

beck: don't i

jade: just go make out with vega already heck knows you've tried

beck: what  
beck: how the heck do you know do you  
beck: JADE serviously get back here!

/

beck: tori did you tell jade that i tried to kiss her

tori: OMG no :{( why would i tell her that? she would STRANGLE u :(

beck: well then you'd better buy some roses cause i'll be in the grave tomorrow

tori: WAT?

beck: jade knows. so why am i not dead

tori: well u do remember when she came 2 the pet place and she didnt kill u? or me? she said she wus ok.

beck: of course i remember, it just...

tori: just wat?

beck: idk. it's just like... sometimes i think that none of the reasons i broke up with her for are valid anymore. and then i wonder...

tori: do u luv her? :)

beck: yeah, tor. yeah. i do.

tori: then u shuld get her back :)

beck: but she kissed moose.

tori: and U tried 2 kiss me!

beck: yeah, i guess you're right.  
beck: btw jade is right. your texting is really annoying.

/

beck: it would be much appreciated if you could keep your lips off moose while i'm around.

jade: jealous much?

beck: NO.

jade: real convincing, oliver.

/

beck: cat, do you think i'm jealous of jade and moose?

cat: OMG yes i was hoping you would ask! :)))) and u guys should get married and move into A CASTLE and then i can be like, princess caterina and you guys will be like my parents! :)

beck: oh.  
beck: and the thing with moose?

cat: ONLY cause he likes the scissoring! i think youre really jelly beck :) like pb&j! so go get jade!

beck: how?

cat: well beck jade is like my bff... but i think you know her better than me. :)

beck: oh. well, thanks for the advice, cat. i'll ... i'll think about it.

/

moose: look, beck, i'm sorry.

beck: about what?

moose: about jade. i guess... i was just sick of you talking about her. like man, SERIOUSLY. you wouldn't shut up. and then i met her, and she was pretty, and she seemed like... not mean, not jealous, not anything you'd described her like. so i decided that maybe if i LET her pursue me that you'd, y'know, man up finally, and go after jade. like, you'd get jealous. and i guess you are jealous. i mean, you seem so angry all the time.

beck: if this is what jealousy feels like... then i should probably apologize to jade. but you're right, you know. you're really, really right. jade's.. she's great. i just didn't realize till now.

moose: bit late there.

beck: thanks.

moose: can we still be friends?

beck: sure, man. friends since zhonder... yondger... younger... KINDERGARTEN, friends forever.

/

moose: hey jade, wanna go to a hockey game tonight?

jade: sure. i love when they hit each other with sticks. and that puck. i like to picture that puck as vega's face.

moose: oh... um, that's kinda creepy.

jade: but it's brilliant, right?

moose: um... sure. could you, um, wear something nice?

jade: are you implying i don't always dress nice?

moose: no! i just wanted you to meet your parents.

jade: i don't DO meeting parents. it took me a year to meet beck's, and even then they hated me.

moose: jade, c'mon.

jade: no. i'm NOT getting serious with you. i'm not that type of girl, okay? i'm not the type to fall easy like that and pretend i'm in love when i'm not really. i'm not the type to change myself to fit someone else's desire. i'm not cookie dough. you can't mold me and change me. i'm just ME.

moose: don't lie.

jade: what?

moose: don't lie to me, jade. i know what's going on. you're still in love with beck.

jade: NO.  
jade: no, i'm not, he's a jerk and he TRIED TO KISS TORI and he has hair like a friggin mermaid  
jade: and his name makes him sound like a deer and his eyes just kinda reinforce that especially when i accuse him of something he didn't do and his eyes get all adorably big and  
jade: and sometimes he wears his old superman t-shirt to sleep and his favorite food is chocolate pie and he used to play basketball when he was little but he gave up cause he can't shoot like, at all, and sometimes when he laughs his eyes like crinkle but  
jade: NO I'M NOT STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM

moose: yeah, i think you just kinda gave yourself away. just a little bit. but beck's my best friend, and i guess that i always kinda knew that it was always gonna be you for him and vice versa. it's okay, though. i understand. :)

jade: thanks, moose. you're a good guy. EXCEPTFORTHOSEDARNSMILEYFACE S. those can go die in a hole.  
jade: go text vega or cat. they love smiley faces. see, you already have tons in common.

moose: thanks, jade. you're a cool girl. beck's a really lucky guy.

jade: oh, believe me, i know.

/

tori: so jade moose sez that ur gettin back w/beck? :)))

jade: maybe, maybe not.

tori: i think u shuld. beck keeps txting me about u. so go talk to him b4 i go crazy lol

jade: by the way you text, i should assume that you have already gone crazy. i'm sending you a link to webster's dictionary. i suggest you use it.

/

beck: you didn't have to send tori a link to the dictionary

jade: yes i did.

beck: all right it was a good move. so, um, moose said something kinda interesting today.

jade: no, i did not cast a potion on him and then cook him in a cauldron. you shouldn't believe everything you hear.

beck: JADE. no, it wasn't that. he kinda maybe said... thatyourestillinlovewithme.

jade: try retyping that and using spacing and maybe i'll actually read it.

beck: see, this is why you're annoying. he said that you're still in love with me.

jade: and maybe i am.

beck: maybe?

jade: well, i'm not going first.

beck: you're... oh my gosh, jade, fine. i'm still in love with you. okay? i mean, moose knows, tori knows, cat knows, probably even andre knows? maybe even the statue of liberty way up there in CANADA KNOWS. i love you.

jade: the statue of liberty is in NYC.

beck: JADE.

jade: fine whatever. loveyoutoo.

beck: if i've gotta use proper spacing you do too, honey.

jade: love you too. SWEETIE.

beck: honeybun.

jade: boo boo bear.

beck: cuddle muffin.

jade: this is getting more disturbing than touching i mean really beck how come you can stomach THIS but you can't stomach the scissoring.

beck: you think this is more disturbing than the scissoring? oh my GOSH jade you're so weird.

jade: i'm really not. you're just a wuss. and you love me anyway

beck: that could not be more... true.

jade: get over here before i change my mind.

/

tori: i hear u and beck r back together! :)

jade: yeah. now never speak of it and leave me alone.

tori: omg i wanted 2 take some pix of u guys.

jade: NO.

tori: fine ill just take them when u arent looking

jade: WHAT?

tori: nothing :)

/

cat: so JADE today moose txted me! he said you guys were over and that he was kinda interested in getting to know me since you were back with beck :)) thanks jade youre awesome :)

jade: yeah i know.

cat: and that's cool that you're back with beck b/c you guys are SO CUTE TOGETHER :) you're like strawberry lemonade!

jade: i'm pretty sure i don't want to know. and also cat, never call beck and i cute again. we are sexy, gorgeous, but NOT cute.

cat: okay jade, whatever you say.

jade: thanks.

cat: U GUYS ARE REALLY CUTE :)

jade: i hate you ugh

/

andre: beck man, heard you and jade are back together.

beck: mmhmm, what of it?

andre: i don't know, think it's kinda funny that jade moved on from a guy called moose to a guy that basically looks like rudolph the rednosed reindeer with long flowing elvis presley hair.

beck: what even...

andre: UM NOTHING.

/

jade: so you gonna admit you were jealous of me and moose or NOT?

beck: I WAS NOT JEALOUS.

jade: your adamant refusal in caps tells me otherwise.

beck: YOU ARE SO ANNOYING SOMETIMES.

jade: all of these lies, beck. i'm so hurt. anyway, if you were so jealous you could've just told me, you know.

beck: AND THEN you would've killed me.

jade: yeah but i'd have kissed you afterwards.

beck: that is like... necrophilia, jade! should i be scared?

jade: nah, it's more like beckcrophilia.  
jade: oh my gosh tell me i did not just send that.

beck: you really did. HAHAHAHAHA

jade: never SPEAK OF IT

beck: too late babe it's already on the slap

jade: I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU AND THIS TIME THERE WILL BE NO KISSING

beck: nope you won't because you've got a bad case of beckrophilia

/

tori: hey jade hear u have a bad case of beckrophilia! :)

jade: NEVER. SPEAK. OF. IT.

/

**A/N: the end etc. this is for laura (lowlaury) because she requested it and apparently i could actually write it. congrats laura here is your badoose or whatever idek bye **

**please read and review.**


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